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@19.00 you are entirely wrong! You do not want to portray a sense of safety through striated facial muscles of smiling and tone of voice. It is not about not appeasing, etc., as though these things are to be controlled as “willful or voluntary behaviors.” Essentially, what you advocating at the end is to be kind entirely misguided. In other words how to “Give or convey an appearance differently to someone” humorously or ironically in order to precise appease them or to be, if you will, a genuine fake. What you want to do is to with our cultivate (not in order to appear or cover up) the underlying interoceptive foundations of felt-safety.

I apologize for my previous comment, I should not have said that . I would like to remove it but need to learn how . Again , my apologies.

I worked in a psych hospital as a tech on the floor with with a fairly large acute population; people with psychosis schizophrenia etc. It really is amazing how well this technique in his book works. It feels weird as shit to do it but it is amazing and so effective.

thank you

Thanks for wasting my time. Ain’t gonna read that book and go watch some other video

Situations, Attitutudes, Choices, Actions, Issues, Respondsibility, News

Engaging system two: shifting perspective to stimulate cognitive processing, i.e. problem solving

A frame of reference, attributes.

Note: System one: A sympathetic, i.e. emotional, automatic, effortless

Note: People don't like system two thinking because it hurts, i.e. painful, effortful, difficult

Thank you for this..... is exactly what I needed to hear....

Basically a waste of time.

How to say nothing in 2:10

So helpful to hear, thank you for this peaceful insight

8:10 ... we have been biased for thousands and thousands of years that emotions are bad, that we are rational beings. Well, we are not rational beings, that's old, old philosophy, it's not true. Neuroscientists today tell us that we are emotional beings with small moments of rationality. - No words to thank your content. Just discovered your channel. Hugs from Brazil.

Dont love don't love don't love.

Beware also of instrumental affect labelling: a sophisticated manipulator will superficially acknowledge your emotion to soothe you and go on to continue to pressure you or distort what you're expressing. That's why I look behind the acknowledgement to the intention: sometimes an acknowledgment conceals an intention to dismiss.

Great info! I will be much more careful in the future with how I address these situations with family and friends. Especially my G K's

Yes all of those things said. Then, it is what it is and whatever. Not good for anyone!! Smart mouths

As a midlifer, I think it's really important to make these experiences accessible to everyone, at any age. There is a weird perception that each generation cultivates, and we forget that our life experiences/suffering are not inclusive to that time, in their journey. We still try to heal, even in the middle of our lives. thanks for posting this. 💌 Edin in- just want to add... it is not OUR responsibility to heal our partner, or give them advise or therapy. That is why we have educated professionals. Our roles as partners are to support...not be therapists. be kind to yourself pls.✌🏽

Listen, reflect and observe. More helpful than a crapload of unwanted advice.

Great subject! You need to talk more about this!

bait and switch. Now from your "Restorative Questions"... 1. From your perspective, what happened and why is this video incorrectly labeled? 2. What have you thought about since you posted this deception? 3. Who has been affected by this deception and how? 4. What about this deception of others has been hardest for you? What do you think needs to be done about this deception to make things better or as right as possible?

You need to change the title to why you should read your book. Clickbait makes people angry. I guess you can get more practice with your De-escalation tactics…

How often do you give unsolicited advice only to see it backfire on you?

What are your thoughts about traditional values?

Lindo

It's an advertisement for a book, not actually how to deescalate. Not a bad video, just a guy advertising. Nothing wrong with that

Wow! I can draw parallels to my own upbringing and childhood. When watching this video I instantly recognized where my own problems have started as a child. I as an adult ( I'm in my 30s) have for a long time, had problems connecting to other people, and create lasting friendships and romantic partners. I think you really are on to something here Doug. How Can I learn to do this affect labeling myself ?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Chronic emotional (psychological) invalidation is the reason people end up spinning out of control.

You're great. Thanks.

This is the bread & butter of all relationships... People don't know how to give bread. Only crumbs

I can promise you, as I write this, ,that if I were to use" YOU statements", when I " reflect back, what I am receiving by the tonality, volume, speed, body language, eye expressions, I will be met by IF YOU KEEP SAYING THAT I AM ANGRY?Frustrated, I WILL GET ANGRY. When I use the way it is delivered, the words seldom match the delivery and when I reflect back what I am getting, I get " blasted". WHAT THEN???

HI this information is important. Having a " game plan" for when situations become emotional, and they do with laser speed, is needed. Somehow these videos need to reach many more that 98 folks in 4 months.

This is so powerful. Thanks for your talk today to our group in Canada. Loved the exercises you shared.

That's not possible if you have bpd

Amazing!

This was interesting. Could you explain how both parties determined the percentage and dollar amounts, as it seemed kind of numbers pulled out of the air.

Sherri Princell From Gibsonville, NC

It is to protect their own feelings. It’s uncomfortable for them and they’re actually being selfish. They won’t hold a space to sit and talk. In this way, over time more problems and feelings surface later. Or even explode! It makes the person feel unsupported, dismissed and unloved. More problems could be avoided and the person hurting could be helped if the person invalidating them had just sat and listened to them and let them know that they see that they’re in pain even if they can’t understand. ♥️

This is exceptional. You're very concise & clear, speak with great tone & confidence. Not once did you go off subject or say "umm" Hands down one of the best vids on this subject

Exactly! All the don'ts. Me .

Watching this from the Seattle area!

Dysfunctional teams are no fun to lead. However, there are a few superb leaders I have seen lead teams from dysfunction to high performance. What about you?

Don’t be so dramatic! yea my brother invalidated me…

This is triggering that’s not how things are lol

I found the list of comments that invalidate another…so powerful to actual hear them spoken ( not just reading them). It is helpful to remind me when I say these statements . Thanks!

Has this information helped you stop fights and arguments in your relationship?

Are you one of the many in a tall tower with the language to connect to others?